Notes for parents of Transgender/non-binary/questioning youths.

We at CDI are often approached by parents/caregivers who are blind-sided when their young adults declare that they are Transgender, Gender Queer, Gender fluid or any of the other words that describe their gender as Non-binary ( Male, Female).

We would like to offer the following immediately actionable references that will help get one up to speed quickly on what is going on.

First, two items that are foundational.

– People don’t decide to be Transgender – its who you are. Delaware Senator Sarah McBride spoke eloquently in her book “ Tomorrow Will Be Different “ about what it feels like to be a Transgender person:

“The best way I can describe [being transgender] for myself […] is a constant feeling of homesickness. An unwavering ache in the pit of my stomach that only goes away when I can be seen and affirmed in the gender I’ve always felt myself to be. And unlike homesickness with location, which eventually diminishes as you get used to the new home, this homesickness only grows with time and separation.” 

We know that we speak for  many of the amazing and accomplished people we know within the Transgender community when we say that this book really does describe what it is like to be born Transgender. There are many well reviewed documents regarding the how-to and why regarding the experience of being Transgender, and we will make note of them. But if one really wants to understand what it is like to  actually be Transgender, then Senator McBride’s book is by far the best reference. We strongly suggest getting the audio version on audible.com, as Senator McBride reads her amazing piece of writing. It is well worth the listen. (https://www.audible.com/pd/Tomorrow-Will-Be-Different-Audiobook/B076BRTV6Z)

– The second item is of such importance that it should be acted upon without delay. The Trevor Project ( thetrevorproject.org ) is an absolutely critical resource in preventing teen suicide in the LGBT community in general, and in the Transgender community in specific. Theirs and other peer-reviewed research projects have repeatedly found that over 35% of Transgender teens have attempted suicide in the past year, and 45% have seriously considered acting upon it in the same period.

The “why” part of these staggering numbers will be presented in the list of resources at the end of this note, But here is the most important item -> the TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386. 

Every parent of a youth questioning their gender/sexuality should sit down with their child and share with them the Trevor Project’s suicide/crisis assistance number. Today, tonight, now. We know this concept can be immensely difficult for a parent, we get it, but it is literally a matter of life and death. 

Within our organization and our circle of peers we have many accomplished members within the Transgender community who are living entirely fulfilling lives. We highly recommend watching the documentary by Jules Rosskam available on Amazon titled “Transparent” (https://www.amazon.com/transparent-Jules-Rosskam/dp/B004ZWHT3U). It documents over a five year period the relationship between several families and their Transgender child’s development.

We would also recommend becoming familiar with the on-going work of PFLAG (PFLAG.org), which is the largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies. In our travels across America our members never cease to be amazed at how many PFLAG parents there are in the smallest towns.

Of course, having a Transgender child is a family project, and on this subject a highly regarded resource is the Ackerman Institute (ackerman.org). Their institution trains many fine family therapists across the country with specific, gender identity experience. They can provide referrals via their web site or a phone call. 

We will wrap up this note here. If there are any parents who would like to speak with one of our members about our Transgender journeys we can be reached via email at CDIcommunity@gmail.com.

Again, as a start we emphasize the importance of the TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386, Sarah McBride’s book, and watching the “Transparent” documentary on Amazon by Jules Rosskam.

Sincerely,

The many fine members of CDINYC.org